The most beautiful love letter ever: Romain GARY – “To Be a Man”.

Romain Gary (1914.1980)

Autographed letter signed to Christel Söderlund.

Six quarto pages on Café de France letterhead.

Restorations to the folds.

Nice. April 14, 1938.

"Remember that the things in the world I respect most are honor and integrity ."

One of the most beautiful love letters ever written: Romain Gary, 24 years old, passionate, sensual, and demanding, proclaims his ideals to Christel Söderlund, his first love. The letter is imbued with a breathtaking romantic force, a yearning present in every line, and a vain conviction: one must be a man!

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My little girl, sweet, naughty, good, unique…

I feel so terribly sad and alone that your letter, instead of cheering me up, almost hurt me, made me even sadder, and I feel like crying like an idiot. If only I knew that you are mine, mine alone, mine, only mine, from head to toe, with your whole body that I see, as if you were lying there beside me, as if I were still caressing you, everywhere, little girl, everywhere, with my lips, my teeth, my fingers!

Christel, ten days have passed since you left, and now, perhaps, you know better, you see better if you truly belong to me, to me alone, do you understand, if you and I are really like that , or if it were only something else… I know you are selfish and that you love me to the extent that it pleases you, but I would like to know if it is something stronger than you, if you can, truly, leave everything to be mine , or if only das ist eine solche liebe, suss und klein, die von zeit bist zeit zu füllen schön ist wie das Goethe nicht geschriben hat… [It is such a love, sweet and derisory, to which one yields from time to time, as Goethe could not have written]

It's very beautiful, Christel, luxury chocolate, and with me, I'm afraid, there will be very little chocolate, girl, and even less luxury… Christel, remember that the things in the world I respect most are honor and integrity , remember that if I love you as a woman it's also because I love you as a man , and that one of our two loves will never , for me, exist without the other… It's very difficult to be a man. But if there's anything that matters in life, if there's anything truly sacred, it's this: being a man. It is to the extent that you will be, or strive to be (for it may be impossible), that you will always be very close to me, even if thousands of kilometers separate us; it is through this unwavering will to become a man that you will always be, in the most beautiful sense of the word, my wife… »

I fear, Christel, that you will not understand these few words, which hold such great importance for me; I fear, too, that these words are impossible to understand , right now , in Vienna . If I write them to you, it is because, desperately, I am searching for something that might bring you closer to me… And nothing, ever, neither marriage, nor love, nor children will bring me closer than this: the effort to be a man . It is through this effort, through this unwavering will, through this yearning for human dignity, for the human condition, that your blood, Christel, will be in my blood, your thought in my thought, and your hand, little girl, in my hand.

Perhaps there are too many capital letters in what I'm telling you. But these aren't just big letters, big words: they're big feelings, and there's no shame in that. Besides, we're alone right now, you and I, no one's listening, we can talk in peace. There is that awful music… but I'll whisper in your ear… like this… You have to live for this, Christel. You have to work, fight for this. You have to love for this. I say "love," not "make love." I would like to be that love, and for that love for me to help you in your struggle. But perhaps you'll find another man who helps you better, more than I do. I would be happy… though unhappy…

In any case, Christel, never forget this: reject far from yourself the love that doesn't enrich you, that doesn't help you to be, to become a man . I would be so happy if I could help you! But first, you must see clearly within yourself. What I'm advising you here requires much, much more courage than you realize. It has nothing to do with pleasure, and almost nothing to do with happiness … at least, not for those who believe—the poor souls!—that happiness is simply the maximum of pleasure. Happiness— my happiness—is a very difficult path. On this path, there is no Sachs, there is no Vincens, there is no Lilliebio—there is no one.

It takes courage to walk that path alone, but I suggest we walk together: with me. I believe you'll be able to walk that path one day. I thought so when I saw you walking barefoot in the mountains… Do you remember? In a few days, I'll send you a photo: you and me, on that path. Yes… don't be surprised!

"You must work, my distant one, you must study, be alone, struggle, suffer greatly, in your efforts, and despise the men who send luxury chocolates… My God, I'm stupid. I'm boring you. No, perhaps… I don't know. Sometimes I doubt, I think I won't be heard… you're so blonde! I've talked far too much… and I don't want to stop… I want to continue… I'm a fool! But a fool who loves you . Romain. "

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Romain Gary met Christel Söderlund-Kryland, a 21-year-old Swedish journalist, in Nice in July 1937. Gary's first great love, their passion was all-consuming and brief. After a few months together, Christel (who would later inspire Gary's character Brigitte in *Promise at Dawn *), already married, returned to her native country in June 1939 to resume her life as a wife to the musician and composer Axel-Bror Söderlundh. Gary never forgot this passion.